Blink of an eye..

Sometimes when I drive home from work my mind has a million different things running through it today it only had one thing, how fast things can change in a blink of an eye. I thought back to when I was a little girl. I use to cling to my big brothers like it was nobody’s business; I remember my two brothers and I would have sleepovers in my oldest brother Trevor’s room. We would stay up until midnight playing the Nintendo 64 and fall asleep; now that we are all older we don’t really see a whole lot of each other anymore but I do want them to know how much they mean to me.  Ever since I can remember they’ve always been there to protect me, tease me but most of all love me.  Sure we fought, but we are family. Besides my mom they are the most important people I have in my life; and I probably don’t tell them that as much as I should. I am taking the time to do it now.

            Trevor, what to even say about this big ol’ teddy bear. I love him plain and simple. Ever since I can remember Trevor hasn’t ever been much of a talker. He pretty much just sits back and watches everything that is going on around him but when he has something to say you better listen.  It hasn’t ever been like that with us though, I can always tell him anything and even if he doesn’t always have an answer he will just listen so I can just let it out. He did everything in his power to take care of me when I was little and to this day still watches out for me.  During the hardest time of my life this summer at one point I just walked up in my room and sat to cry. He didn’t say anything he just walked in and sat down by me, he will never know how much it meant to not have to explain myself. Needless to say I hope that one day I can be as great as he is. Love you Trev.

            Colby, ever since I can remember he was the brother that was always teasing me. No worries, he still does even though we are supposedly older and more mature now-a-days.  When I was in about sixth grade I remember I would wake up early and make his breakfast  just so I could sit and eat with him even if we didn’t talk. We haven’t always gotten along, but in the end we usually figure it out. He’s more of a talker than my other brother, he sure does like to sing and I can almost guarantee whenever you see him he will be. Throughout the hard times Colby has always been the one to be solid he worries, but he doesn’t let it affect him. I’ve always envied that in him, he’s given me countless blessings and he really doesn’t know much that has meant to me.  One day I hope that even though I’m not ever going to be as big as he is, I hope I can have as big of heart as he does.

            Then there is my wonderful Mother. Words cannot describe how wonderful this lady is. My mom has sacrificed so much so that my brothers and I could have everything in the world we could have ever wanted. I’ve probably taken it for granite but my mom is truly the best mom in the world. She’s been the one to wipe my tears when I was growing up, she’s the one who sat through hours and hours of endless dance competitions, she’s been the one who has never given up on me even and she will always be the one I can trust full heartedly.

            These three people have been my solid foundation for twenty years now; it was us three against the world. Even though my brothers and I are grown up, don’t live so close anymore and will eventually get married. It will always come back to the fact that they are my family, they are the people I couldn't imagine losing in a blink of an eye.  My heart goes out to the families in Connecticut that will forever be changed by the action of one person, one person who changed the lives of those families forever.  In all honestly, I don’t think any of us realize how fast life can change in a blink of an eye; but it does. 

            Now to my best, best, best friends, where in the world would I be without these wonderful ladies, and a few gentlemen?  Even though I don’t live close to all of you wonderful people and you range all the way from Arizona to Vegas to Texas to 5 hours away to 2 hours or even just twenty minutes away. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Each of you has taught me something about myself and life that I wouldn’t have learned without you. You’re all so unique and so great, and I’m so glad that I can call you guys my best friends. You’ve been there through the good and the bad with me and it’s been one heck of a rollercoaster. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for all of us.

            Also to that adorable boy I get to call my boyfriend; the boy who I’ve known for seriously forever… and now look at where we are. He is seriously the greatest person ever. He puts up with my temper tantrums, he talks to me about anything and everything, he gives me butterflies every time I see him and even though he doesn’t like peanut butter… he still really likes me and hot chocolate.. so I guess it all balances out. He has taught me so much in the time we have been together and puts a smile on my face every single day. I really can’t believe it took me so long to find this wonderful man! I can’t wait to see where life take our relationship but so far is has been pretty great.

            Then to those cute little children I work with during the week. You little ones are the cutest things on planet earth. You will go far and do great things when you grow big (how they talk to me) like me one day.  So grateful for these little people who show me that there is always something new to learn from life. All in all, so many people have touched my life. You’ve all taught me so much and I couldn’t imagine life without any of you. I’ve lost people close to me and it is hard, it changes you. It changes your perspective on life. So once again to all of you families in Connecticut I hope you know there are so many people praying for you, me included. Let this be a lesson to us, pull your loved ones close and don’t let them go. I know I will be you never know what could happen in just a blink of an eye. 

A bunch of words.

Courage, Love, Sacrifice, Patience, Trial and Hope. Lately, I think these words would describe my life pretty accurately. I guess you could say that as of late I’ve had a lot on my mind. Trying to figure out what I want to do, where I want to be and who I want to share all of this stuff with has crossed my mind a lot. But Courage, courage in my world is facing something that absolutely terrifies you. Love, love in my world is laughing with my mom until my stomach hurts, having my brothers tease me even though it drives me crazy, listening to Taylor Swift with my best friend on a 7-11 run or getting butterflies when my boyfriend kisses my forehead. Sacrifice, sacrifice in my world putting a hold on my life for medical things beyond my control. Patience, patience in my world is teaching a child how to learn, getting my life back to where it once was and getting answers from the big guy upstairs. Trial, trial in my world is going through something nobody can even imagine and coming out on top the only way you know how. Hope, hope in my world is watching little kids grow up, waiting to see what the doctors have to say and taking chances that you didn’t even know you had as an option.

            Now I don’t know what these words mean to any of you who read this, nor does it matter.  Everyone one of us is different. All of us have different things going on in our life, we have different choices we have to make and we all just see things differently. Plain and simple everything is different. I guess lately, I’ve been struggling with this whole different thing.

            I had my life planned out for a totally different route then what it is on. Some days I wish I could go back to my old life, simply because it was easy, it was me.  Days like today I want to go back to when I had everything planned, it wasn’t all a big crazy cluster of stuff I needed to sort out or I didn’t have to worry about what was said at my next doctor’s appointment… but then I have nights like tonight. Nights when I’ve been super frustrated with the day and I’ve been super stubborn all day long with the boyfriend and I get a message  even after I’ve been super stubborn all day that says, “Shayley I love you no matter what J”  that’s when I’m grateful that my life is different, different than what it could have been. I think that sometimes life has a funny way of teaching us what we need to learn. Sometimes the light bulb flickers on, and sometimes it takes a bit for the bulb to be replaced until we finally figure it all out. Life changes, it changes so unbelievably fast sometimes that we don’t have a clue what to do with it. I think I am just barely starting to figure out what in the world I need to do with mine, and that’s fine…

            Now this was just a bunch of thoughts I had floating around, it wasn’t to really highlight on any aspect of my life, or to try and teach anyone anything. It was mainly for me to think.  But while I’m thinking, just remember life can change in a blink of an eye. It happens every single day. You are not the same person you were last year your completely different. Your life might be completely different, the people your around might be completely different and I’m here to tell you having things be different from your original plan is ok. 
           

            So I’ll let you think of the words that describe your life, take a chance to reflect on them. Because in the end we are all going to be a little bit different. 

Winging it.

When I was a little girl the biggest problems I remember having were if I got gum in my hair and I had to tell mom so she could get it out with peanut butter, my brothers scaring me with a vampire mask to the point I screamed bloody murder or the best one when my older brother Colby threw a pop bottle at me and it knocked out my front teeth.  Then when I was a teenager my biggest problem was I thought I worked way too much and didn't see my friends enough. Now my problems as a “young” adult are much bigger, worrying about money, school, doctors, cancer, tumors and relationships.  At work today I couldn't help but think about being a little kid, considering I work at a pre-school; life is pretty easy for a kid that childlike mentality is truly a blessing. When you’re little everybody is your best friend, mommy is always there to pick you up when you fall down and boys had cooties...  Now-a-days as a “young” adult, you have a handful of close friends, Mom is still there to pick you up, but boys definitely don’t have cooties anymore.

Lately, I sort of feel like my life has become one big blur. I wake up at 6 a.m. go to work from 7:30-3:30 come home talk with mom for a couple of minutes, go to my other job at 5-10:30 p.m. come home, get ready for bed , crawl into bed talk with my favorites for a bit on the phone. Repeat Repeat Repeat, I love my job don’t get me wrong but some days routines.. They just need to be broken. Therefore I savor the weekends, usually to catch up on some sleep, hang out with my family and of course seeing my other favorites.  Which means the weekends always end way too soon, and the work week comes way to fast.  In the last couple months my life was on hold, no school, no moving out to the big city, I couldn't even work there for a bit. But now it’s slowly coming back piece by piece I work all day every day and I love it even if it is a blur sometimes. But it definitely isn't what I imagined for myself even just a year ago. That’s the part about being an adult we can make plans but who the heck knows if it’s actually going to happen.  We actually have to make our own decisions, decide our own fate and life just happens whether we are ready or not. Honestly, sometimes it can be pretty scary not knowing what comes next, but it can also be exciting. I guess that’s where having a childlike mentality comes in, they are fearless they are always wanting an adventure. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about though? One big adventure, nobody has a book on what is right or wrong we are all just sort of winging it trying to figure it out.

Right now, even though my adventure was on hold for a bit I finally feel like it’s starting to go again. It may have just taken me a bit to see it or maybe I just wasn't looking close enough until today at recess when my darling student jumped off something and I held my breath until he landed and got up with a big grin on his face.  We don’t always anticipate that something is going to happen to us, it just does.  People will walk in and out of our lives all the time; we just have to decide who we want to take on this adventure with us.  But as we go on this big, crazy, scary, emotional but oh so exciting adventure of life I’m starting to think maybe thinking like a kid isn't so bad sometimes.. because remember if you fall Mommy is there to pick you up, you’ll always have a friend to be with… but no boys don’t have cooties..

So even though… I am finally about to get my plans back in order and get to where I want to go,  I still have no idea what life is going to throw at me, the big problems will still come but really I am just sort of winging it.. 

Late night ramblings..

For the past little while I've been thinking I needed to make some changes in my life… had no clue where to start. A couple questions always run through my mind; what should I do, who should I even talk to about it and honestly does anyone even really care? The past couple months I've had a lot on my plate for those of you who know me well you know what I mean by this. If you don’t scroll up and read the past couple blogs I suppose.  I've thought for a bit now that I guess God was giving me a couple of messages during this last roller coaster of life I had. For one slow down, I've always kept myself busy running from one task to another, not always enjoying the little things in life. As I've sat around with my recovery time I’ve learned to enjoy the little things in life, such as rereading a book I love, going on a fall drive with my best friend to see the leaves changing, taking a walk at 11:00 p.m. at night with some of my favorite boys just to get hot chocolate afterword, seeing my other best friends baby grow up and enjoying time with my family even if it’s just sitting on my bed talking with them.

                Second, people come into your life for a reason and they also leave your life for a reason. Who knows it could be to challenge you, to help you, but in the end you will be the one writing the story that everyone else will hear in years to come. So make sure it’s one you want to tell.

                Another thing I've learned try new things. Life is seriously way too short to not go out and do the things you want to do.  For example… I’m scared of heights, this boy I've known forever asked me on a date and I decided I should go. I ended up going to his tree house and he told me I needed to climb up there I was thinking seriously.. I am going to die this is not OK  Obviously… I didn't die and I've been back to the tree house at least 4 times. I encourage anyone go out and fall in love with something whether it be a person an activity just go do it.  One of my best friends is a perfect example of this she called me the other day needed me to come to her house; she told me she is pretty sure she found that person for her.  She’s known him for a week but I can tell you I love when she talks about it because she gets a big smile on her face and she cannot get it off. So who am I to judge what she chooses to do, it’s her life her decision and I’m going to support her all the way.  You can’t sit back on your couch thinking why didn't I do that last night, or even better in 50 years from now don’t look back on your life and regret not doing the things you wanted to do.

                One last thing to wrap up the night; I’m not a highly religious individual. I have my beliefs just as well as the next person; but I think my biggest lesson that I needed to learn thus far is that I wasn't being punished when this trial was put into my life. I've heard a couple of times lately; God doesn't put things into your life that you can’t handle.  God put this summer trial into my life to make me stronger, I've made my mistakes as well as the next person but in the end all we really need to do is take a step back out of our life and realize things aren't always about us.  Don’t judge a person by the choices they have made, because you have no clue what plan they were given, and what choices they had to choose from.  All you need to know is that when the time comes you’ll have choices to make too. In the end if you don’t think anyone else will understand you always have the big guy upstairs. That’s the biggest lesson I think I needed to learn.  So as I start to make these changes to my life, there will be the people who come in and out of my life, there will be new things to try, and in the end I just have to believe that the big guy upstairs will always have my back. 

Big Dreams & an even bigger soul

Life as Shayley Knows it for the time being…

Well I decided it has been a couple weeks since my last post and decided I should probably give a little update on myself. I’m recovering slowly but surely, I still can’t do a whole lot and I sleep more than anything else but lately there has been some trouble even with that…

So for the past while since my 2^nd surgery I’ve been having some pretty crazy nightmares… mostly I’m going in for surgery again and something goes wrong; usually I wake up in a cold sweat reassuring myself I am home safe in bed. But lately the past couple of weeks the dreams have been more I guess the word would be upsetting.  For example my dreams have been something like this a person I care about is doing something that I usually would be doing with them except, either they are alone or they have someone new with them. Now the people I know are a couple years older while me I’m still the same nothing about me has changed one bit. I can talk to them, I can poke them, literally sit on them and they do not notice me at all. Like I am not there… now I don’t think I need to say what this means. So you know I woke up Saturday after having a little bit more than disturbing dream sat in my bed, then I wandered down to talk to good ol’ mom she asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t even help but start to cry. I told her all about all the dreams I’ve been having and she couldn’t believe it.  After talking to my mom for a while I came to the conclusion that with all the stuff that has happened I was scared. Whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, I was scared that I was going to die.

Now let me assure, I am not dying, I will not die I am just recovering. The nightmares are still coming, but… it’s just another part of this hellish nightmare that I have been dealing with.  I went to the doctor everything is healing on track finally… but the tumor the cancer the freakish 3^rd surgery took a lot more from me than I thought it did. It made me put my life on hold to recover,  while my friends and family are going to school, going to work or plain out just living their life I am home sitting around trying not to be jealous.  So you could say I am bitter but I’m not. I just miss the feeling of receiving a good grade when I worked hard on something, I miss getting a well-earned paycheck and I definitely miss just living my life how I want to live it.  A lot of people don’t understand and they won’t understand. I’m just taking life day by day because once I can I’m taking the world back into my hands at full force.  Because I have big dreams and a big soul and the nightmares will never take that away from me. 

Day by day things will get better..

            So this morning I was sitting in bed thinking about something my mom had said to me the other day, everything is going to get better you just need to take it day by day. Now for all of you who read the last blog post, or who just plain out know me and know my life, I did end up having the 2^nd surgery. Let me enlighten you, the day of surgery I get to the hospital they take 8 things of blood (keep in mind I hate needles) then the CNA comes back and says oh… I forgot to get another one so we need to poke you again, so scratch the 8 they took 9 things of blood. Then we just have to wait finally get down to the pre-surgery spot this time I know what to expect so even though I don’t want to be there I at least am prepared. I go in for the surgery then wake up in what seems like 10 minutes later but it was really about 4 hours. They opened my old incision, they put in 3 new tiny ones 2 by my hips and one by my belly button. So I stay overnight in the hospital but Saturday I’m feeling pretty good compared to the last surgery so I get to go home! I get home then Sunday I start feeling sort of weird… it progressively gets worse. By Monday my mom is pretty worried she calls the doctor and they want me to come in on Tuesday. So wake up on Tuesday… my mom tries to get me to eat nope not going to happen is what I am thinking nothing in the world sounded good at all. But I needed to take my pain medication so I ate a poptart it took me a half hour to eat one. I tell my mom I feel like I am going to pass out I almost do when we are walking to the car. By the time we take the hour n half drive down to Salt Lake I’m done for. I get in the doctor’s office almost past out in her chair and she decides in 5 minutes that I need to be readmitted to the hospital.

            My mom calls my brothers, boyfriend and a couple other people; then just like that I’m in a hospital bed. So then the nurses are trying to put an IV in my arm but my left arm which they would normally use it all bruised up since I had just barely had the 2^nd surgery, so they go for the right arm and they can’t get it in. They ended up calling this other nurse who is supposed to be the best at it even she took forever and was moving around the needle in my arm. I was on the verge of tears by the time it was over. Then my doctor comes in and says I need to have a CT scan they wanted me to drink that nasty drink when I could barely hold down anything. So there I am with my mom and brother Trevor who rushed out of work to be there and they are both trying to coax me into drinking it. Finally I drank about half of it, but I couldn’t drink anymore. I go in for the scan, all it shows to my doctor is I have some gas bubbles in there which is normal I just had surgery right? I missed lunch so my mom, Trev, and other brother Colby had gone down to the Subway after I went in for the scan to bring back some food. I didn’t even finish a 6inch when I started to throw up… then I got my food privileges taken away.  That night I was in so much pain they asked me on a scale of 1-10 it felt like 15, it took them hours to get my pain level under control and all I could do was try not to cry which I wasn’t very successful at. Then its Wednesday oh great the doctor wants to do a regular scan now, so I go down the techs want me to hold this thing up and stand straight first off. I couldn’t even stand straight or hold anything so I ended up having to lie on this table and turn on my side and trust me when you’re in pain it is about the last thing you can stand to do. So that scan showed a little more gas… but no nothing is being done about it yet. Then the nurses I have that day think I am in so much pain because I haven’t had a bowel movement so they are shoving this milk of mag. Stuff down my throat and some other pill but I ended up throwing it all up almost every single time they gave it to me. Obviously that wasn’t the problem. SO then since I couldn’t keep that stuff down my water privileges were taken away from me. All I had left was good old ice chips. Well, Thursday comes around oh yay lets go get another scan which shows there is more air than before. Finally my mom who was at my side every day is pissed and a lot of people know my mom she doesn’t get pissed a lot but when it comes to her kids that isn’t something you mess around with. She kept telling the doctors I was getting worse and they weren’t listening to her up until Thursday when she finally said you do something and you do it now! So my doctor decides it’s time to go back in for another surgery. Bye bye ice chip privileges, Thursday night at 9 p.m. I went in for the 3^rd surgery I didn’t get done until about midnight. Turns out the spot my appendix had been (they were removed with my tumor the first surgery) had ruptured and was leaking toxins into my body. When I woke up I had a tube coming out of my stomach literally, and one out of my nose I never saw myself with the tube in my nose but by the sad looks I got I knew I must’ve looked pretty bad. So in this surgery they ended up reopening all 4 of my incisions and the long one I had was completely reopened.

            Now during my stay at the hospital I had already had enough but to top it off one CNA I had when I asked to shower literally turned on my shower as hot as it could go didn’t get me any new clean stuff or nothing and left me to fend for myself in the shower when I could barely move. By the time I had yelled for my mom to come help me I was so mad and fed up I freaked out. When my nurse came in I said I DON’T EVER WANT THAT CNA AGAIN! Now keep in mind that wasn’t the only wrong thing she did she ignored me every single time I asked for something and was extremely rude to my family. This all happened Thursday. Then I had a nurse who kept telling me you need to get up and walk or you won’t be able to go home. Well first off lady I know you’re trying to help but I can barely make it to the bathroom how do you expect me to walk down the hall. ( I didn’t day that to her but trust me I wanted too) The whole almost 6 days I was there I only had one nurse that actually offered to walk with me, the other ones expected my family or for me to just go by myself. Then the same nurse who kept saying that told my favorite CNA to be quiet when the CNA had been explaining something to me.

            Then comes Sunday the doctors are saying I might be able to go home soon I’m thinking GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW! I’m just sitting there when I notice my arm with the IV is huge swollen up and everything, turns out my IV broke in my arm because the nurses hadn’t changed it. My vein had given away because of all the hardcore stuff they had to pump in my body since I hadn’t been able to eat or drink. So now all of a sudden they can’t put in another IV because it wouldn’t last through the day I have no way to get pain medication so all of a sudden they give me back food privileges keep in mind I haven’t ate since Tuesday and they all of a sudden want me to hold down a full meal or I can’t get pain medication or go home. For those of you who don’t know in the hospital they give you a paper you fill out for your meals and you circle your choices all that jazz well I don’t see why they even brought me a paper because every meal I circled they brought me something else completely. So on top of being forced to eat I wasn’t even able to eat what I wanted. But finally Sunday night I get to go home. Monday morning my pain is about a 10 I have a fever my mom calls the doctor and they tell her what to do. Finally we figured out how to get my pain level under control and just had to stick with the same routine. Now eating was a fiasco I didn’t want too but I had too. I’d lost a lot of weight, my skin was pale I just was not looking good.  Now it’s been almost 3 weeks since I had that 3^rd surgery I still can’t eat a whole lot, but I have to eat more every day to get back to normal. Since I wasn’t fully recovered from the first one or even remotely recovered from the 2^nd it will take me about 8-12 weeks until I finally start to feel better. I have a lot of restrictions on me and even now I am still in pain some days. My doctor recommended I take the semester off school since I can’t even carry a backpack or drive… I’ve had to take the suggestion. I can’t work for about another month or so, the apartment I had in SLC I had to give up because I can’t live alone right now. So for a girl who just barely turned 20 a week ago today this is a lot to take in. 3 surgeries within 6 weeks, not being able to care for myself or do the things I normally can by myself, having to put her dreams aside for a while to recover it has been pretty hard to take in. I’m not going to say I don’t cry about it because I do. My friends don’t really understand what I’ve been through or am still going through nor to be completely honest do I think a lot of them even care. My mom also said to me the other day you have friends that care about you it just isn’t the ones you though would. She was right it’s the best friends that live in Arizona, Vegas, Salt Lake City, Cedar City and then a couple of my best friends from high school that were there for me not the people I had expected. Then my family if it wasn’t for them I have no idea how I would of handled it all my mom is honestly the best she has been by my side through it all and my brothers have been there every step of the way helping in any way they knew how. Then Tyson (boyfriend) even though he went back to St. George to his life he has been here every step of the way trying to cheer me up, or sitting with me when I cry but even better when I kept telling him how ugly I felt especially when that tube was in my nose he told me I was beautiful or pretty every single day. But to all of you who kept me in your prayers, and thoughts I thank you I really appreciate.

            So… yeah my life has pretty much been turned upside down for the moment, and like my mom said I have to take it day by day. Even though I can’t go back to my old life right now, and can’t for a couple months I need to keep my head held high and stay positive because eventually I will get better. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..

You are stronger than you believe you are. Don’t give up!

            Yesterday I arrived home from work tired, a little on the excited side to see some of my favorite people but mainly just drained.  Some of you know and some of you don’t know that this summer has literally been a living nightmare for me and the people I hold dear to me.  At the end of spring semester I noticed my stomach was starting to get pretty hard, told my roommate she thought it was pretty weird too. Started to get sick literally all of the time, then pants that fit my in April weren’t fitting me in May (as in tight on me).  Needless to say when I went to the doctor the first time they tested for an infection even did a pelvic exam but nope! No infection or anything else wrong. But they still gave me pills to take for an infection I didn’t have; went to a different doctor he immediately looked at my stomach and thought I was 4 months pregnant. Which WAS NOT THE CASE! He checked my blood work and what not sent me for a ultrasound the ultrasound tech was a pretty cool lady was talking to me then all of a sudden stopped didn’t talk the rest of the time. That night I was going on to dinner with my boyfriend and his family, then I got a phone call saying I had a tumor, needless to say I went home and cried like a baby to my mom. The next day I had to go in for CT scan to see how big the tumor was they though it was the size of a volleyball… little did they know. Within that next week I had to go get blood work done to check for cancer some of the markers came back elevated I was not loving life.

FINALLY the day of surgery, all I want to do is sit home and cry. Get there mom and big brother Colby come sit back with me before the surgery. Colby has always been a really calm person so having him back there helped keep mom and I at ease. Go in for the surgery wake up and I have a whole clan of people waiting for me. Big brother Trevor wasn’t able to make it until later that night but when he got there he was the only one who ended up getting me to eat, literally spoon feeding me. (Best family I have here if I do say so myself)  Without those 3 people I wouldn’t be who I am today so I thank them for everything they’ve done for me. Then there is my boyfriend Tyson who spent literally almost every time my mom couldn’t be home to take care of me on my 2 week bed rest period with me and didn’t complain at all the only compliance was we had to watch ALL of the Harry Potter movies.  Anyways back to the surgery I have a huge scar to show for it, and the tumor was the size of a flipping watermelon yes a watermelon. It destroyed my left ovary, tube and inflamed my appendix so it all came out.  I weighed 131 the day of surgery I now weight 122.8 a month later you figure it out.

Then I can finally start going back to my normal life routine with some minor exceptions a few weeks later.  Then last week I get a phone call “Hello is this Shayley Warner, hi Shayley this is so and so and I know this is going to be a little shocking for you but... some of your tumor came back being cancerous.” Now you may wonder why it was such a shock to me a week before I had been called by another doctor telling me it wasn’t and now this. Needless to say, when I tell my mom I break down in tears, I thought the living nightmare was over.  But no I wasn’t so lucky.  The doctor said it was a fluke she even caught it she just wanted to see how much the tumor weighed, and found the cancer. The other doctor had looked right over it. So now this Friday I go through another surgery not as major to see if the cancer is gone. If it isn’t I will be doing some chemotherapy, if it is I will be visiting a cancer specialist for 6 years until they make sure it is all gone, for good.  I’m pretty upset about it, I am going to have more scars on my stomach it will look like a science project. It is going to suck.

So… my summer it didn’t go as planned it actually was the last thing that I planned. I’ve had people be rude to me because it was “my fault” I got a tumor with cancer yes please explain why I would want that then let me know. I am sorry that some of my restrictions put a strain on you. I’ve had people say so you going to be able to have kids or what? First off never ask someone that ever… it isn’t exactly a conversation opener.  But the best thing is I am sorry Shayley I know how you feel. Well thank you for saying sorry I really do appreciate… but I don’t think you know how I feel. Therefore… maybe now that you have read this you may be enlightened but you will never know how I feel unless you go through this yourself, and if any of you who read this EVER have to go through it my heart goes out to you because I would never want anyone to have to deal with what I am.

Now the big reason why I wrote this blog for one I’ve pretty much shut everyone I care about out of my life lately, because I have no idea how to deal with any of this I am doing the best I can. For 2 I got a letter from a really good friend last night and the last sentence of her letter said “You are stronger than you believe you are. Don’t give up!”   After reading that letter I realized for a little bit there I had given up, but this trial is all said and done I will really only be stronger.  So a big thanks goes out to the best mom I could ever ask for even when times get tough she is always there right by my side pushing me along even when I can’t do it. To my big brothers Trevor for always being the big old teddy bear to me others may not see it often but he has the biggest heart and he has always taken care of me and still does.  To my other big brother Colby who even though we still argue a lot he always can make me laugh, and knows how to ease the tension when it is tough but also for taking care of me still like he always has. To the boyfriend for putting up with all the late night phone calls with me crying even when he doesn’t know what to say he manages to make me feel a little better. To all of my wonderful family and friends who came out to visit me and even if they couldn’t visit called and kept me in there prayers and still are. The strangers who don’t even know me but know a member of my family and have kept me in their thoughts; a big thanks to my best friends (they know who they are) they’ve kept me laughing and that’s a big part of staying strong.  One last thanks to Kat your letter made me realize that I couldn’t give up just yet.

As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 

1st year of college done (:

            My first year of college definitely had its ups and downs, but I can say it has been one interesting year of my life… So here is some stuff I learned the first year of college that will hopefully help me throughout the rest of my college year, and the freshman going in:

1     When you have to do laundry for the very first time without mom around, and you call her to ask if something can go together… she will start laughing get used to it.

2.      Mom will always be 1 phone call away, when you are having a bad day. Yes, you still have bad days in college and yes you will want your mom.

3.      You will get sick of the cafeteria food; you will savor the moments you go out to eat with friends but the moments you will most savor are when you go home and get “real” home cooked food.

4.      If you’re anything like me you will cry when you’re overwhelmed with school, work, and whatever else is going on with your roommates, family, or your relationship.

5.      Watch out for the fresh 15, or as we called it at SUU the t-bird twenty; the junk food will get to you eventually.

6.      So to keep of the fresh 15 off get a gym buddy and eat healthy. Trust me the gym time and gym buddy will be one of your favorite parts of the day if you have a gym buddy as awesome as mine. (:

7.      Going home to see your family and best friends from high school is the best feeling in the world; you’ll always go a little over the speed limit… to get home faster.

8.      Your roommate does not need to be your best friend either does your suitemates; but you do live with them. So be nice to each other, and have roommate dates they are a fun thing to look forward too.

9.      You and your roommate could be a lot alike, and have some weird obsession with music like you do. Trust me it makes for some pretty fun dance parties in your room.

10.  If you have a car and live close to campus, it is nice to offer to take people to Wal-Mart with you because honestly half the people you live with won’t have a car and will really appreciate it.

11.  You think a trip to Wal-Mart will be a 10 minute trip tops, usually you will be there for at least an hour. Enjoy it!

12.   If you live in a small town like I did my first year, there isn’t a whole lot to do, make your own fun. Taking trips to St. George for Cold Stone ice cream will always put a smile on your face.

13.  If you don’t absolutely love it, or need it don’t buy it…

14.  The people you live with will become like family, and I mean everyone you live with not just the people who are in your room.

15.  You will get annoyed with the people you live with, smile and walk away so you don’t say something you will regret later.

16.  It is possible you will fight with your roommate do the above statement or you will regret it later. I do know from personal experience. If you do fight with your roommate let it cool off before you talk again.

17.  Thing will happen that put you out of your comfort zone get over it fast. It will happen at least once a day.

18.  There are things that even mom and dad can’t fix learn to live with it, life is not perfect.

19.  Your big brothers will also only be a phone call away, I bet they appreciate talking to you as much as you do them.

20.  Don’t put anything in the community fridge without putting your name on it, it will be eaten or drank. The possibility that it will get eaten or drank is still there even if your name is on it.

21.  Better yet, have your own fridge. Your roommate will love you for it.

22.  Pushing your beds together to have a big bed is awesome, especially if your roommate doesn’t stay in your room that often.

23.  You will make new friends who help you out a lot throughout the semester, but your old friends are just as great. Keep all of your friends close, just stay away from people who try to hurt your feelings they are not worth your time.  

24.  Your boyfriend will still make you mad like he did in high school, but he will still take care of you when you are sick and make you laugh so hard you cry.

25.  Your RA may seem strict, but they really aren’t. Mine was always laughing and you could always figure out where she was just by her laugh.

26.  If you have a job like I did, you will try to do your homework at night when its slow, but just expect that at least 10 of your friends will come and sit down there for a while and you will not finish your homework.

27.  The library is great; you will do homework in there. Just stay away from the computers or bringing your laptop if you can so you won’t waste time on Facebook.

28.   Yes, Facebook is still a thing you waste time on… but in college its much worse when you Facebook stalk all your friends from high school. Everyone does it, trust me.

29.  You will take random trips whether it be home, Vegas, or St George.

30.   Do what you want, make all the memories you can. This is prime time of life.

31.  If you’re Mormon you will talk to some of your friends about how we are trouble on society because we aren’t married yet.

32.  A lot of your friends will start getting married; you will start to think some of your friends are crazy.

33.  Learn from your mistakes, and don’t regret your decisions. It was what you wanted at the time and it will only make you stronger.

34.   Going to bed early isn’t impossible… but it is highly unlikely.

35.  Sometimes you and your roommate will have a girls day, and eat ice cream and watch chick flicks. It’s always a good time.

36.  If you’re anything like me, everyone on your floor will call you Momma Shay (but your own name) and come to you with their problems and eat your chocolate. (:

37.  Boys will be your best friends, especially when they know everything about cars. Plus, they don’t like drama so they are much easier to talk too.

38.  It is possible to get a 4.0 you have to be determined, and reward yourself. But don’t stress yourself out to the point you call your mom crying if you don’t think you did well on a test. (Yes, I did do this a lot, and yes I do need to stop stressing out so much.)

39.  The boys across the hall from you first semester become your best friends, and you spend a majority of your time watching them play video games just so you can hang out with them.

40.   You’ll meet people from all over the place, and even live with some of them. The culture difference is really interesting. Some of my best friends now come from Vegas and we couldn’t be more different. (:

41.  You go as long as you can without doing laundry so you can try to take it home. Free laundry is the best, and so is good shower pressure.

42.  Your bed at home is your favorite thing ever, and your mom usually finds you asleep on it an hour after you get home.

43.  If you move far away from home it is scary, and a big change but don’t forget everyone around you is doing it too.

44.  Don’t expect to get something if you didn’t try for it, life doesn’t work like that.

45.  People will be straight up with you, get used to it.  Because I’ll bet your being pretty straight forward yourself.

46.  You will give up on trying to look cute, make up is the least of your worries.

47.  Reading a book for fun especially the hunger games this last semester was something you see a lot of people do. (:

48.  Free stuff makes every college student happy, because it is normally food or a t-shirt.

49.  You learn that some things just aren’t for you and some people will get mad at the choices you make.

50.  Learning that you’re an adult now, and sometimes it’s hard is frustrating but so worth the trip. So ENJOY IT!

These were just some of the things I learned at SUU my first year of college, I could probably go on and on but I won’t. The most important thing I learned is your family will always be there for you, but you have to do what is best for you. Even though SUU isn’t the place for me the people I met help influence all my choices, and helped me grow as a person. As did the friends and family I still had from home… So even though I can’t wait to start my new journey at the University of Utah, it’s now time for me to end the one at Southern Utah University.  

Miracles..

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot about miracles, even witnessed some over the 3 week break that I have been home. It all started Christmas morning…

            Every year my mom gets my two brothers and I a present that is the same; we can never guess what it is, and it has always drove me crazy. This year was no different, Christmas morning my oldest brother Trevor woke me up. Yes, everyone my oldest brother… Colby was up as well they are still little kids at heart. We went downstairs to open presents, we always wait until the last present to open up mom’s “special” gift. This year for me personally it was extra special… my brothers and I got a DVD, 17 Miracles with a card explaining something different to each of us. My mom knows me better than anyone in the world, and she knew that lately I’ve been a doubter.

            Later on I watched the DVD and started to actually see the miracles that happened throughout it, these miracles are based on the trials that happened when the LDS religion was traveling to Salt Lake City. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the movie. Later after it was over I was driving home, and I thought wow… miracles really do happen, even if they are just something small.

            Now as I said earlier I have been hearing a lot about miracles, and have witnessed some in the past 3 weeks that I have been home. The first that comes to mind, I was with Skylar he got a phone call and I jokingly said, “I bet it’s the missionaries you better answer.” He didn’t but when he called the number back it turned out to be the missionaries. Another night when I was with him, we had just been driving home when he got another phone call, he didn’t answer. Then, I told him he should call back so he does; turns out the missionaries were going to be meeting with him that very night. Also that night he decided to get baptized. Miracle # 1.

            I have a very good friend of mine; she has been one of my very best friends since freshman year in high school. A little background on her Stacia, she got married last year, moved to Arizona, and has just been living the married life. I got a phone call, I missed it and then I listened to a voicemail. I knew the call was urgent so I immediately called her back, and received the news that one of my very best friends is going to be having a baby. Miracle # 2.

            Trust me, I have witnessed small miracles recently as well. Ranging from something simple like seeing an old friend from your past, or having a person you love come back into your life, to something big like my best friend having a baby.  Miracles occur every single day, they may be big, they may be little… we just need to keep our hearts, and eyes open to them. 

It just took a little reminding from my mom (: