What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..

You are stronger than you believe you are. Don’t give up!

            Yesterday I arrived home from work tired, a little on the excited side to see some of my favorite people but mainly just drained.  Some of you know and some of you don’t know that this summer has literally been a living nightmare for me and the people I hold dear to me.  At the end of spring semester I noticed my stomach was starting to get pretty hard, told my roommate she thought it was pretty weird too. Started to get sick literally all of the time, then pants that fit my in April weren’t fitting me in May (as in tight on me).  Needless to say when I went to the doctor the first time they tested for an infection even did a pelvic exam but nope! No infection or anything else wrong. But they still gave me pills to take for an infection I didn’t have; went to a different doctor he immediately looked at my stomach and thought I was 4 months pregnant. Which WAS NOT THE CASE! He checked my blood work and what not sent me for a ultrasound the ultrasound tech was a pretty cool lady was talking to me then all of a sudden stopped didn’t talk the rest of the time. That night I was going on to dinner with my boyfriend and his family, then I got a phone call saying I had a tumor, needless to say I went home and cried like a baby to my mom. The next day I had to go in for CT scan to see how big the tumor was they though it was the size of a volleyball… little did they know. Within that next week I had to go get blood work done to check for cancer some of the markers came back elevated I was not loving life.

FINALLY the day of surgery, all I want to do is sit home and cry. Get there mom and big brother Colby come sit back with me before the surgery. Colby has always been a really calm person so having him back there helped keep mom and I at ease. Go in for the surgery wake up and I have a whole clan of people waiting for me. Big brother Trevor wasn’t able to make it until later that night but when he got there he was the only one who ended up getting me to eat, literally spoon feeding me. (Best family I have here if I do say so myself)  Without those 3 people I wouldn’t be who I am today so I thank them for everything they’ve done for me. Then there is my boyfriend Tyson who spent literally almost every time my mom couldn’t be home to take care of me on my 2 week bed rest period with me and didn’t complain at all the only compliance was we had to watch ALL of the Harry Potter movies.  Anyways back to the surgery I have a huge scar to show for it, and the tumor was the size of a flipping watermelon yes a watermelon. It destroyed my left ovary, tube and inflamed my appendix so it all came out.  I weighed 131 the day of surgery I now weight 122.8 a month later you figure it out.

Then I can finally start going back to my normal life routine with some minor exceptions a few weeks later.  Then last week I get a phone call “Hello is this Shayley Warner, hi Shayley this is so and so and I know this is going to be a little shocking for you but... some of your tumor came back being cancerous.” Now you may wonder why it was such a shock to me a week before I had been called by another doctor telling me it wasn’t and now this. Needless to say, when I tell my mom I break down in tears, I thought the living nightmare was over.  But no I wasn’t so lucky.  The doctor said it was a fluke she even caught it she just wanted to see how much the tumor weighed, and found the cancer. The other doctor had looked right over it. So now this Friday I go through another surgery not as major to see if the cancer is gone. If it isn’t I will be doing some chemotherapy, if it is I will be visiting a cancer specialist for 6 years until they make sure it is all gone, for good.  I’m pretty upset about it, I am going to have more scars on my stomach it will look like a science project. It is going to suck.

So… my summer it didn’t go as planned it actually was the last thing that I planned. I’ve had people be rude to me because it was “my fault” I got a tumor with cancer yes please explain why I would want that then let me know. I am sorry that some of my restrictions put a strain on you. I’ve had people say so you going to be able to have kids or what? First off never ask someone that ever… it isn’t exactly a conversation opener.  But the best thing is I am sorry Shayley I know how you feel. Well thank you for saying sorry I really do appreciate… but I don’t think you know how I feel. Therefore… maybe now that you have read this you may be enlightened but you will never know how I feel unless you go through this yourself, and if any of you who read this EVER have to go through it my heart goes out to you because I would never want anyone to have to deal with what I am.

Now the big reason why I wrote this blog for one I’ve pretty much shut everyone I care about out of my life lately, because I have no idea how to deal with any of this I am doing the best I can. For 2 I got a letter from a really good friend last night and the last sentence of her letter said “You are stronger than you believe you are. Don’t give up!”   After reading that letter I realized for a little bit there I had given up, but this trial is all said and done I will really only be stronger.  So a big thanks goes out to the best mom I could ever ask for even when times get tough she is always there right by my side pushing me along even when I can’t do it. To my big brothers Trevor for always being the big old teddy bear to me others may not see it often but he has the biggest heart and he has always taken care of me and still does.  To my other big brother Colby who even though we still argue a lot he always can make me laugh, and knows how to ease the tension when it is tough but also for taking care of me still like he always has. To the boyfriend for putting up with all the late night phone calls with me crying even when he doesn’t know what to say he manages to make me feel a little better. To all of my wonderful family and friends who came out to visit me and even if they couldn’t visit called and kept me in there prayers and still are. The strangers who don’t even know me but know a member of my family and have kept me in their thoughts; a big thanks to my best friends (they know who they are) they’ve kept me laughing and that’s a big part of staying strong.  One last thanks to Kat your letter made me realize that I couldn’t give up just yet.

As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.