Big Dreams & an even bigger soul

Life as Shayley Knows it for the time being…

Well I decided it has been a couple weeks since my last post and decided I should probably give a little update on myself. I’m recovering slowly but surely, I still can’t do a whole lot and I sleep more than anything else but lately there has been some trouble even with that…

So for the past while since my 2^nd surgery I’ve been having some pretty crazy nightmares… mostly I’m going in for surgery again and something goes wrong; usually I wake up in a cold sweat reassuring myself I am home safe in bed. But lately the past couple of weeks the dreams have been more I guess the word would be upsetting.  For example my dreams have been something like this a person I care about is doing something that I usually would be doing with them except, either they are alone or they have someone new with them. Now the people I know are a couple years older while me I’m still the same nothing about me has changed one bit. I can talk to them, I can poke them, literally sit on them and they do not notice me at all. Like I am not there… now I don’t think I need to say what this means. So you know I woke up Saturday after having a little bit more than disturbing dream sat in my bed, then I wandered down to talk to good ol’ mom she asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t even help but start to cry. I told her all about all the dreams I’ve been having and she couldn’t believe it.  After talking to my mom for a while I came to the conclusion that with all the stuff that has happened I was scared. Whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, I was scared that I was going to die.

Now let me assure, I am not dying, I will not die I am just recovering. The nightmares are still coming, but… it’s just another part of this hellish nightmare that I have been dealing with.  I went to the doctor everything is healing on track finally… but the tumor the cancer the freakish 3^rd surgery took a lot more from me than I thought it did. It made me put my life on hold to recover,  while my friends and family are going to school, going to work or plain out just living their life I am home sitting around trying not to be jealous.  So you could say I am bitter but I’m not. I just miss the feeling of receiving a good grade when I worked hard on something, I miss getting a well-earned paycheck and I definitely miss just living my life how I want to live it.  A lot of people don’t understand and they won’t understand. I’m just taking life day by day because once I can I’m taking the world back into my hands at full force.  Because I have big dreams and a big soul and the nightmares will never take that away from me.