The Truth

“Life isn’t easy and whether or not you’re in the mood it’s the truth” Last night while I was sitting in my bed trying to figure out how I was going to push through the next couple of weeks with trying to finish the semester, working two jobs, trying to actually have a relationship with my boyfriend, see my friends and my family let alone get whatever else I needed to do done before I drove myself crazy I got this text. First, it just hit my nerves the wrong way. All I wanted to say back was “Yeah, I know life sure as hell isn’t easy. I’ve experienced it first-hand.” But… I refrained. As a lot of you know who might be reading this, when it comes to the truth I’ll tell you, even if you don’t want to hear it. So here comes some truths that I have realized in the last little bit of my life.

1.      Mom is only a phone call away. You’re always going to need her, whether it be to tell you how wash a shirt or something much bigger. Plain and simple you always need Mom.

2.      Sometimes you really don’t talk with your siblings as much as you should, but you sure will miss them when the Holidays aren’t the same anymore and believe it or not they will be probably always first ones asking why someone is creeping and being the first to hunt them down.

3.      As you grow up you’re going to have a hand full of friends that you keep in touch with, you might only talk every once in a blue moon but those friends are always there when you need them. Don’t forget about them.

4.      Growing up isn’t all it is really cracked out to be… bills, working, school is all just gets harder.  Keep your inner child and let them come out to play every once in a while or you will probably go crazy.

5.      Your significant other will probably drive you nuts some days, but at the end of the day whether you’re the biggest brat in the world or you’re not looking so good they are going to be the ones who love you and come to take care of you when you’re stuck home sick.

6.      Going to bed early is a luxury, don’t take it for granted.

7.      Eating healthy is actually good take the time to do it (but let’s be honest… not everything healthy actually tastes good) so give in to those fries calling your taste buds sometimes.

8.      It is ok to get something less than an A in a class…. Yeah, believe it this is coming from me. The girl who hates getting anything but an A.

9.      Have fun, do what you want to do. The opportunities aren’t always going to be there calling your name..   Even though life is stressful and sometimes you don’t feel too great, find happiness in the little things. Trust me,  you’ll enjoy life a lot more and won’t be as stressed.

I’ve probably realized a lot of other stuff but these are a couple of things that stick out in my mind… what are some you have?

1

Lessons of life.

Lessons, everybody learns them. Some are definitely harder than others, but still from when we are little to our old day’s lessons will always be learned. I remember lessons such as tying my shoe; really I use to hate it… I would sit on the kitchen floor until one of my older brothers helped me; but at last I did finally learn how. I remember learning how to drive… let’s just put it this way always check to make sure the car is in the gear you want… or you may end up over a cement barrier… whoops.  I remember learning how to handle independent life when I moved away from college and I definitely remember learning how to rearrange my life after receiving devastating news. As I said some lessons are definitely harder than others.  This past weekend probably one of the biggest lessons I have learned yet, that really just hit home.

            The lesson all started with a phone call. I of all people know a simple phone call can change your life. Apparently, I needed to learn this lesson once more.  Anyway, I get a phone call and by the end of the day I had I think about twenty of them, I had close to fifty text messages all saying the same stuff. Repeat, repeat, repeat… apparently this person didn’t think what they were saying was going in loud n clear but trust me it was.  I won’t go into detail simply because I don’t want too.  All that needs to be said is this person didn’t care who they hurt as long as they got what they wanted in the end… they went after a good thing and went to extravagant measures to ruin it. Now the lesson I had to learn was a bit of a hard one for me. This lesson was trusting someone completely no questions asked, just simply giving them the power to tell me the truth.  Then learning to forgive no questions asked. This by far… was just plain out hard.  Let me tell you, it was an extremely long day full of long talks, stomach aches, ringing phones and pure emotion of every kind.  In the end I got the truth, I’m not going to say it wasn’t hard because it was. I’m not going to say the person who kept trying to ruin a good thing is going to stop, because truth be told I don’t think they will. I will say that when you care about someone you do whatever it takes you don’t walk away, I will say I have the best support system in the entire world because I do, I will say this person who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves has a long road ahead of them and I will definitely say that I am going to walk to hell n back before this person breaks me.

            Lessons, we all need to learn them.  We learn to trust, we learn to love, we learn to forgive, we learn what is wrong and what is right… we just learn. Needless to say this weekend I learned a big lesson in the game of love. What have you learned lately? 

Blink of an eye..

Sometimes when I drive home from work my mind has a million different things running through it today it only had one thing, how fast things can change in a blink of an eye. I thought back to when I was a little girl. I use to cling to my big brothers like it was nobody’s business; I remember my two brothers and I would have sleepovers in my oldest brother Trevor’s room. We would stay up until midnight playing the Nintendo 64 and fall asleep; now that we are all older we don’t really see a whole lot of each other anymore but I do want them to know how much they mean to me.  Ever since I can remember they’ve always been there to protect me, tease me but most of all love me.  Sure we fought, but we are family. Besides my mom they are the most important people I have in my life; and I probably don’t tell them that as much as I should. I am taking the time to do it now.

            Trevor, what to even say about this big ol’ teddy bear. I love him plain and simple. Ever since I can remember Trevor hasn’t ever been much of a talker. He pretty much just sits back and watches everything that is going on around him but when he has something to say you better listen.  It hasn’t ever been like that with us though, I can always tell him anything and even if he doesn’t always have an answer he will just listen so I can just let it out. He did everything in his power to take care of me when I was little and to this day still watches out for me.  During the hardest time of my life this summer at one point I just walked up in my room and sat to cry. He didn’t say anything he just walked in and sat down by me, he will never know how much it meant to not have to explain myself. Needless to say I hope that one day I can be as great as he is. Love you Trev.

            Colby, ever since I can remember he was the brother that was always teasing me. No worries, he still does even though we are supposedly older and more mature now-a-days.  When I was in about sixth grade I remember I would wake up early and make his breakfast  just so I could sit and eat with him even if we didn’t talk. We haven’t always gotten along, but in the end we usually figure it out. He’s more of a talker than my other brother, he sure does like to sing and I can almost guarantee whenever you see him he will be. Throughout the hard times Colby has always been the one to be solid he worries, but he doesn’t let it affect him. I’ve always envied that in him, he’s given me countless blessings and he really doesn’t know much that has meant to me.  One day I hope that even though I’m not ever going to be as big as he is, I hope I can have as big of heart as he does.

            Then there is my wonderful Mother. Words cannot describe how wonderful this lady is. My mom has sacrificed so much so that my brothers and I could have everything in the world we could have ever wanted. I’ve probably taken it for granite but my mom is truly the best mom in the world. She’s been the one to wipe my tears when I was growing up, she’s the one who sat through hours and hours of endless dance competitions, she’s been the one who has never given up on me even and she will always be the one I can trust full heartedly.

            These three people have been my solid foundation for twenty years now; it was us three against the world. Even though my brothers and I are grown up, don’t live so close anymore and will eventually get married. It will always come back to the fact that they are my family, they are the people I couldn't imagine losing in a blink of an eye.  My heart goes out to the families in Connecticut that will forever be changed by the action of one person, one person who changed the lives of those families forever.  In all honestly, I don’t think any of us realize how fast life can change in a blink of an eye; but it does. 

            Now to my best, best, best friends, where in the world would I be without these wonderful ladies, and a few gentlemen?  Even though I don’t live close to all of you wonderful people and you range all the way from Arizona to Vegas to Texas to 5 hours away to 2 hours or even just twenty minutes away. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Each of you has taught me something about myself and life that I wouldn’t have learned without you. You’re all so unique and so great, and I’m so glad that I can call you guys my best friends. You’ve been there through the good and the bad with me and it’s been one heck of a rollercoaster. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for all of us.

            Also to that adorable boy I get to call my boyfriend; the boy who I’ve known for seriously forever… and now look at where we are. He is seriously the greatest person ever. He puts up with my temper tantrums, he talks to me about anything and everything, he gives me butterflies every time I see him and even though he doesn’t like peanut butter… he still really likes me and hot chocolate.. so I guess it all balances out. He has taught me so much in the time we have been together and puts a smile on my face every single day. I really can’t believe it took me so long to find this wonderful man! I can’t wait to see where life take our relationship but so far is has been pretty great.

            Then to those cute little children I work with during the week. You little ones are the cutest things on planet earth. You will go far and do great things when you grow big (how they talk to me) like me one day.  So grateful for these little people who show me that there is always something new to learn from life. All in all, so many people have touched my life. You’ve all taught me so much and I couldn’t imagine life without any of you. I’ve lost people close to me and it is hard, it changes you. It changes your perspective on life. So once again to all of you families in Connecticut I hope you know there are so many people praying for you, me included. Let this be a lesson to us, pull your loved ones close and don’t let them go. I know I will be you never know what could happen in just a blink of an eye. 

A bunch of words.

Courage, Love, Sacrifice, Patience, Trial and Hope. Lately, I think these words would describe my life pretty accurately. I guess you could say that as of late I’ve had a lot on my mind. Trying to figure out what I want to do, where I want to be and who I want to share all of this stuff with has crossed my mind a lot. But Courage, courage in my world is facing something that absolutely terrifies you. Love, love in my world is laughing with my mom until my stomach hurts, having my brothers tease me even though it drives me crazy, listening to Taylor Swift with my best friend on a 7-11 run or getting butterflies when my boyfriend kisses my forehead. Sacrifice, sacrifice in my world putting a hold on my life for medical things beyond my control. Patience, patience in my world is teaching a child how to learn, getting my life back to where it once was and getting answers from the big guy upstairs. Trial, trial in my world is going through something nobody can even imagine and coming out on top the only way you know how. Hope, hope in my world is watching little kids grow up, waiting to see what the doctors have to say and taking chances that you didn’t even know you had as an option.

            Now I don’t know what these words mean to any of you who read this, nor does it matter.  Everyone one of us is different. All of us have different things going on in our life, we have different choices we have to make and we all just see things differently. Plain and simple everything is different. I guess lately, I’ve been struggling with this whole different thing.

            I had my life planned out for a totally different route then what it is on. Some days I wish I could go back to my old life, simply because it was easy, it was me.  Days like today I want to go back to when I had everything planned, it wasn’t all a big crazy cluster of stuff I needed to sort out or I didn’t have to worry about what was said at my next doctor’s appointment… but then I have nights like tonight. Nights when I’ve been super frustrated with the day and I’ve been super stubborn all day long with the boyfriend and I get a message  even after I’ve been super stubborn all day that says, “Shayley I love you no matter what J”  that’s when I’m grateful that my life is different, different than what it could have been. I think that sometimes life has a funny way of teaching us what we need to learn. Sometimes the light bulb flickers on, and sometimes it takes a bit for the bulb to be replaced until we finally figure it all out. Life changes, it changes so unbelievably fast sometimes that we don’t have a clue what to do with it. I think I am just barely starting to figure out what in the world I need to do with mine, and that’s fine…

            Now this was just a bunch of thoughts I had floating around, it wasn’t to really highlight on any aspect of my life, or to try and teach anyone anything. It was mainly for me to think.  But while I’m thinking, just remember life can change in a blink of an eye. It happens every single day. You are not the same person you were last year your completely different. Your life might be completely different, the people your around might be completely different and I’m here to tell you having things be different from your original plan is ok. 
           

            So I’ll let you think of the words that describe your life, take a chance to reflect on them. Because in the end we are all going to be a little bit different. 

Winging it.

When I was a little girl the biggest problems I remember having were if I got gum in my hair and I had to tell mom so she could get it out with peanut butter, my brothers scaring me with a vampire mask to the point I screamed bloody murder or the best one when my older brother Colby threw a pop bottle at me and it knocked out my front teeth.  Then when I was a teenager my biggest problem was I thought I worked way too much and didn't see my friends enough. Now my problems as a “young” adult are much bigger, worrying about money, school, doctors, cancer, tumors and relationships.  At work today I couldn't help but think about being a little kid, considering I work at a pre-school; life is pretty easy for a kid that childlike mentality is truly a blessing. When you’re little everybody is your best friend, mommy is always there to pick you up when you fall down and boys had cooties...  Now-a-days as a “young” adult, you have a handful of close friends, Mom is still there to pick you up, but boys definitely don’t have cooties anymore.

Lately, I sort of feel like my life has become one big blur. I wake up at 6 a.m. go to work from 7:30-3:30 come home talk with mom for a couple of minutes, go to my other job at 5-10:30 p.m. come home, get ready for bed , crawl into bed talk with my favorites for a bit on the phone. Repeat Repeat Repeat, I love my job don’t get me wrong but some days routines.. They just need to be broken. Therefore I savor the weekends, usually to catch up on some sleep, hang out with my family and of course seeing my other favorites.  Which means the weekends always end way too soon, and the work week comes way to fast.  In the last couple months my life was on hold, no school, no moving out to the big city, I couldn't even work there for a bit. But now it’s slowly coming back piece by piece I work all day every day and I love it even if it is a blur sometimes. But it definitely isn't what I imagined for myself even just a year ago. That’s the part about being an adult we can make plans but who the heck knows if it’s actually going to happen.  We actually have to make our own decisions, decide our own fate and life just happens whether we are ready or not. Honestly, sometimes it can be pretty scary not knowing what comes next, but it can also be exciting. I guess that’s where having a childlike mentality comes in, they are fearless they are always wanting an adventure. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about though? One big adventure, nobody has a book on what is right or wrong we are all just sort of winging it trying to figure it out.

Right now, even though my adventure was on hold for a bit I finally feel like it’s starting to go again. It may have just taken me a bit to see it or maybe I just wasn't looking close enough until today at recess when my darling student jumped off something and I held my breath until he landed and got up with a big grin on his face.  We don’t always anticipate that something is going to happen to us, it just does.  People will walk in and out of our lives all the time; we just have to decide who we want to take on this adventure with us.  But as we go on this big, crazy, scary, emotional but oh so exciting adventure of life I’m starting to think maybe thinking like a kid isn't so bad sometimes.. because remember if you fall Mommy is there to pick you up, you’ll always have a friend to be with… but no boys don’t have cooties..

So even though… I am finally about to get my plans back in order and get to where I want to go,  I still have no idea what life is going to throw at me, the big problems will still come but really I am just sort of winging it.. 

Late night ramblings..

For the past little while I've been thinking I needed to make some changes in my life… had no clue where to start. A couple questions always run through my mind; what should I do, who should I even talk to about it and honestly does anyone even really care? The past couple months I've had a lot on my plate for those of you who know me well you know what I mean by this. If you don’t scroll up and read the past couple blogs I suppose.  I've thought for a bit now that I guess God was giving me a couple of messages during this last roller coaster of life I had. For one slow down, I've always kept myself busy running from one task to another, not always enjoying the little things in life. As I've sat around with my recovery time I’ve learned to enjoy the little things in life, such as rereading a book I love, going on a fall drive with my best friend to see the leaves changing, taking a walk at 11:00 p.m. at night with some of my favorite boys just to get hot chocolate afterword, seeing my other best friends baby grow up and enjoying time with my family even if it’s just sitting on my bed talking with them.

                Second, people come into your life for a reason and they also leave your life for a reason. Who knows it could be to challenge you, to help you, but in the end you will be the one writing the story that everyone else will hear in years to come. So make sure it’s one you want to tell.

                Another thing I've learned try new things. Life is seriously way too short to not go out and do the things you want to do.  For example… I’m scared of heights, this boy I've known forever asked me on a date and I decided I should go. I ended up going to his tree house and he told me I needed to climb up there I was thinking seriously.. I am going to die this is not OK  Obviously… I didn't die and I've been back to the tree house at least 4 times. I encourage anyone go out and fall in love with something whether it be a person an activity just go do it.  One of my best friends is a perfect example of this she called me the other day needed me to come to her house; she told me she is pretty sure she found that person for her.  She’s known him for a week but I can tell you I love when she talks about it because she gets a big smile on her face and she cannot get it off. So who am I to judge what she chooses to do, it’s her life her decision and I’m going to support her all the way.  You can’t sit back on your couch thinking why didn't I do that last night, or even better in 50 years from now don’t look back on your life and regret not doing the things you wanted to do.

                One last thing to wrap up the night; I’m not a highly religious individual. I have my beliefs just as well as the next person; but I think my biggest lesson that I needed to learn thus far is that I wasn't being punished when this trial was put into my life. I've heard a couple of times lately; God doesn't put things into your life that you can’t handle.  God put this summer trial into my life to make me stronger, I've made my mistakes as well as the next person but in the end all we really need to do is take a step back out of our life and realize things aren't always about us.  Don’t judge a person by the choices they have made, because you have no clue what plan they were given, and what choices they had to choose from.  All you need to know is that when the time comes you’ll have choices to make too. In the end if you don’t think anyone else will understand you always have the big guy upstairs. That’s the biggest lesson I think I needed to learn.  So as I start to make these changes to my life, there will be the people who come in and out of my life, there will be new things to try, and in the end I just have to believe that the big guy upstairs will always have my back. 

Big Dreams & an even bigger soul

Life as Shayley Knows it for the time being…

Well I decided it has been a couple weeks since my last post and decided I should probably give a little update on myself. I’m recovering slowly but surely, I still can’t do a whole lot and I sleep more than anything else but lately there has been some trouble even with that…

So for the past while since my 2^nd surgery I’ve been having some pretty crazy nightmares… mostly I’m going in for surgery again and something goes wrong; usually I wake up in a cold sweat reassuring myself I am home safe in bed. But lately the past couple of weeks the dreams have been more I guess the word would be upsetting.  For example my dreams have been something like this a person I care about is doing something that I usually would be doing with them except, either they are alone or they have someone new with them. Now the people I know are a couple years older while me I’m still the same nothing about me has changed one bit. I can talk to them, I can poke them, literally sit on them and they do not notice me at all. Like I am not there… now I don’t think I need to say what this means. So you know I woke up Saturday after having a little bit more than disturbing dream sat in my bed, then I wandered down to talk to good ol’ mom she asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t even help but start to cry. I told her all about all the dreams I’ve been having and she couldn’t believe it.  After talking to my mom for a while I came to the conclusion that with all the stuff that has happened I was scared. Whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, I was scared that I was going to die.

Now let me assure, I am not dying, I will not die I am just recovering. The nightmares are still coming, but… it’s just another part of this hellish nightmare that I have been dealing with.  I went to the doctor everything is healing on track finally… but the tumor the cancer the freakish 3^rd surgery took a lot more from me than I thought it did. It made me put my life on hold to recover,  while my friends and family are going to school, going to work or plain out just living their life I am home sitting around trying not to be jealous.  So you could say I am bitter but I’m not. I just miss the feeling of receiving a good grade when I worked hard on something, I miss getting a well-earned paycheck and I definitely miss just living my life how I want to live it.  A lot of people don’t understand and they won’t understand. I’m just taking life day by day because once I can I’m taking the world back into my hands at full force.  Because I have big dreams and a big soul and the nightmares will never take that away from me.